ONCE IN A BLUE MOON
I haven’t posted here in what seems like forever. I gave birth to twin girls! So I am officially a mama as of June 29 at 12:45 pm!
I am so grateful to have my girls.
Single mom life isn’t as hard as I thought, but also somewhat harder. I am completely capable, but the idea of having help to do all of this would be so amazing and this would be a walk in the park if I had someone to support me with the house tasks. I would love to just take care of my kiddos.
I have a huge sense of guilt hovering over me because of who my kids dad is showing up to me, Which is not showing up at all. It’s so frustrating because I truly did love him and was excited when I first found I was pregnant to do this with him, and now he is more absent.
I wish I had someone who…
Would listen to me when I talk about signs and how for the past few days at 11:11 I have coincidentally been listening to empowering songs that have to do with getting out of abusive relationships and escaping narcissism.
I AM TRYING AND THE UNIVERSE IS ONMY SIDE.
I HAVE STILL BEEN CONTACTED EVEN AFTER THREATENING A RESTRAINING ORDER.
JUST FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE.
WHAT ABOUT ME MAKES ME DIFFERENT FROM ANY ONE ELSE?! JUST GO BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE. I AM DONE.
BEYOND DONE.
Restraining order?
So I am just going to list incidents and lmk if I should get a restraining order… It is spread out over a 2 year span by the way.
- looking in my windows when I had the blinds up
- ringing my doorbell until I answer the door
- waiting outside until I get home
- asking where I go when I would leave MY OWN APARTMENT
- If I block their number, calling my phone on a blocked number
- Lying about their sexual safety saying they wren’t sleeping around and then giving me an STD
- gaslighting
- emotional abusing me saying “You don’t have any friends”
- No-one actually likes you, they just feel bad for you
- parking infant of my apartment
- trying to slap me
- broken rib
- forces me into sexual situations by manipulation
- call me a slut after forcing me to do sexual things
Well damn…
WEDNESDAY
Well here I am entering a journal entry for today.
I keep going between my two blogs writing some here and writing some there. For some reason not keeping everything I care for in one place makes me feel somewhat safe. I’ve had so many accounts hacked, things stolen from me personally and for once it would be nice to just keep what’s mine.
So I recently was hospitalized. No need to worry though I am out and recovering!
This is a safe space we can talk about anything right?! well… I kinda almost died. They said I got a disease that spread to my Fallopian tubes and almost ended me with organ failure. I actually almost needed a hysterectomy. Pretty scary stuff for a 25 year old who hasn’t had any kids yet.
I had a disease, then when I was in there I tested positive for COVID. After that if it wasn’t already enough as it was, I still had the sharp pain in my right side that initially brought me to the emergency room. I ended up having a fractured rib. I know how I got it.. But a I going to play stupid? Also, yes.
Have you ever tried to protect someone even when they were hurting you? Over and over and over and over again.
Well I made it! I’m still here and I have had this huge revelation for myself.
I want what is best for myself, truly!
So out with the old and in with the new, I am ready to give my self the pressure I was searching for in someone else. I am going to give myself patience during this journey because we know it is never easy to be in your own corner when your mind and should was the one keeping you from being truly happy.
I chose so many people and choices that would hurt me than the choices and people that would help build me and make me better and help me grow.
But now.
NOW.
Today and all of the days moving forward, I CHOOSE ME!
So the ones that hurt me I blocked and I let go of the toxicity.. unfollowed those who would trigger me back into the same behaviors and patterns I was in before.
I am in therapy too!
baby steps for da baby!!
who would’ve guessed…
I was just hospitalized after my assault.
almost lost my uterus and ability to have babies thanks to this piece of scum and I have a cracked rib.
I have learned from abusive relationships…WHY DID I GET BACK IN ONE.
I AM SO embarrassed AND I AM SO FRUSTRATED THAT THIS HAS HAPPENED.
I really struggle during the holidays because I miss my papa so much. My grandpa made my life better in so many different ways. So missing him definitely brings up some grief and loss. Also, I can remember being really young and my parents have weak relationships with their family and I felt extremely responsibility for their happiness.
One thing that has been heavy on my heart lately has been the fact that at such a young age I knew that my parents suffered from depression and I saw them grow up and reach for those unhealthy coping mechanisms. So, when I got older and realized I had developed depression, I also reached out for those unhealthy coping mechanisms. I was probably at my lowest 19-21. I would spend every night out with people partying trying to feel something, because I was so numb to happiness.
When I was a child I can remember knowing about my parents attempts at suicide and I was always so upset because I thought there was something I could do to convince them that they should want to be alive. I saw so much so young and I really would do anything to help young babies not have to experience what I saw. It is so completely normal to struggle with postpartum depressions, but please get the help you need so that your children don’t internalize your struggles. It is also so normal that if you are going through PTSD from being across seas to have days that you feel loss, grief, and different types of pain. But, if you have children please don’t let them feel that you would be happier dead. Because that shows that you would be happier without them.
I have internalized all of this as a child and have had to learn on my own how to healthily have friendships and relationships without self sabotaging them. I have had a village raise me, but it can get lonely still never feeling that lack of “belonging”.
I plan on writing more about realizations and breakdowns of experiences I have endured through my life, this is just the tip of the iceberg.
As I write this first post on my new blog (I am revamping my page here), I am trying to make this as real and raw as I possibly can. I have hidden my mental health struggles for years and have also equally been very open and forthcoming about how to cope with depression and anxiety. I have fallen into patterns and have learned unhealthy ways to cope and have had to unlearn and practice healthy ways to keep myself afloat since I was a child. I am 25 years old and every day I try to think of what my purpose is for just the day. If I think more existential it actually scares me. I have practiced self love and ways to learn how to escape the negative thoughts that constantly swirl in my mind. If you are on this page to learn more about me and grow with me as an individual I welcome you. If you are on this page to judge, gossip, make fun of me, I also welcome you. Because no matter what lead you to this page I hope that you at least take one thing away. I am human, you are human and we are all just living on earth and trying to survive each day. I welcome you to learn and grow with me as we go on the journey of life together through this screen and words that I type here.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but please let your self cry and feel and hurt. let the pain leave your body. the longer it stays there, the more it will hurt you.
I needed this. I have been so focused on “healing”, “recovery”, “acceptance” that I feel as if I have almost skipped the entire part of actually FEELING SOMETHING from this pain and hurt. I am so incredibly hurt that I have questioned everything from myself and my self worth to my entire existence on this earth.
You are so perfect wow, I miss your posts, I wish I could be the one to make you happy but I have to stay on Anon :( but I think your absolutely wonderful and a beauty to the world
I wish I felt the same way you feel about me, about myself…. I am feeling so low and unhappy with myself.
hiiiiiiiiiiiii your body looks tremendous, i love it/you so much!!!
I appreciate you.
What to do when you just feel blah
1. Accept it; don’t fight it. Trying to understand and fight those heavy painful feelings, will usually weigh you down and drain away your energy.
2. Be nice to yourself. Don’t make things worse by beating yourself
3. Do that one thing that’s nagging on your mind the most. It will help to boost your feelings and release some energy.
4. Think about the little things that help to bring you pleasure – like walking in the sunshine or smelling fresh spring flowers.
5. Remind yourself that this will pass, and something will get better. You just need to hang in there, and wait it out for now.
